Thursday, May 30, 2013

I don't care what you think of me! Or do I?


There I said it. It’s not true though. I want it to be. No offense. I just wish one day I could scream it out at the top of my lungs and be free from the self imposed pressure I put on myself to live up to some unrealistic fantasy in my head.

About two summers ago I did something crazy. Like capital “C” crazy! Chris had been “suggesting” about how cute he thought nose rings were and how he, you know, thought one would look super attractive on my little nose. We just happened to have an anniversary coming up and it seemed like such a fun thing to do. Spice things up a little after 11 years. And well I too thought they were cute on others. Like my super hot sister-in-law Danae.

Off I went with my new bff, Jamaila. Gosh how have I not blogged about Jamaila?!?! She was from Dubai and lived with us for a summer and was basically God’s gift to me wrapped up in a, “little sister I never had” perfect package. Got engaged while living here and is now a happy wife to James. Chris would come home from working into the night and find us on the floor dying of laughter. Here she is in one of the engagement photo's I took for them. She's gorgeous. James is ok. He kind of ruined my life when he had to marry her and she couldn't live with me anymore ;)

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Back to my story, she and I, already close in friendship, decided to take the plunge and join the nose ring community together. Can’t say I enjoyed getting THAT done. But it was a memory and Chris loved it on me as soon as we got home.

I woke up the next morning and thought…. No? Did I really? I felt sick to my stomach. Call it nose ring regret. Now it’s just a teeny tiny dot. A, ever so small, sparkle. But in my messed up mind it might as well covered my entire face, and been bright orange with black polka dots. When I looked in the mirror, there it was screaming at me.

I was convinced that it was the first thing people saw when they looked at me and instantly categorized me as apart of “that" group. I’m not sure exactly what "that" group is. I had never judged people up to that point who had nose rings. Like I said I thought they were super cute. But now I was apart of the rebel without a cause group, the “different” group. In my mind I had just entered into “that” part of society with one swift decision. How could I? I’m a pastor’s wife for goodness sake!!! A homeschool mom! What if people don’t come back to our church because of my nose ring?!?! I have issues I know.

Chris saw my agony. Granted he didn’t have much of a choice as I’m off sobbing in a corner. He gave me an out:

“Babe, take it out if you don’t like it. Don’t keep it in for me!”

"However," he said in all his wisdom, "it seems like God is doing something in you. Breaking you of some sort of legalism you’re holding on to. You might want to keep it in just to let some of this stuff get worked out in your heart."

He was right. He usually is. I should know that after 13 yrs. Because the truth is I just want people to like me and accept me and think I’m great. But I’m not great. I’m not perfect. I fail miserable at all my attempts to appear perfect. I’m not pinterest worthy or quote worthy. So the nose ring stays in. I hardly even notice it these days but when I do I say to myself, you are secure in Christ. Nothing can shake or take away your inheritance in Him. When God looks at me he doesn’t see a nose ring but his fully loved and justified by the blood of Christ child. It helps me care less about others opinions and live in freedom and being the slow learner I am, the nose ring will probably follow me to my grave.

*Now is Jamaila's still in you ask? Nope. She showed up at my house a year later as I was like "WHAT THE HECK!?!? Where did it go?!?" That's ok J- I still love you :)


Danielle said...

This is so good. I'll remember your nose ring whenever I struggle with what others think of me. ;)

Rebekah said...

I somehow only just now saw this. So HELLOOOO --- you forgot to put a PICTURE! lol =D